I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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