No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
