dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
