What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
