oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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