so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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