Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
