Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
