Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
