I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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