I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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