i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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