The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
