I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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