i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Shame is for Republicans.
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