Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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