Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
