Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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