My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
