...so i touched it.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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