The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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