Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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