I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
