no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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