the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
