Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
