I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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