I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Mom said you looked used
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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