dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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