I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Randomize
