his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i think i have herpe
just one?
pop tarts are not kleenex
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Randomize
