You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
