Who wears a wallet chain?!
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
