It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
