Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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