Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
