I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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