We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
