But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
