Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
