sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
