i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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