Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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