how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
