her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Is Oprah even human
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
