um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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