I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
