My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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