Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
