Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
